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The Law of Averages – How to Be Successful at Anything

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When you understand the law of averages in life, you’ll realize that it’s possible to be successful at anything you do.

Have you ever done sales but deal with potential customers that didn’t want to buy from you? Or play a sport with friends or strangers, but for some reason, you just can’t make the score? Yeah, it’s definitely a terrible feeling, but you’re not giving up on yourself, right?

Eventually, you’ll have to practice and get better unless you decided you had given up on yourself. If you chose the route to practice and get better, then this is where the law of averages comes into play.

By definition, the law of averages in life is an inaccurate generalization of the law of large numbers, which means that the number of events and the same likelihood of occurrences can change if given enough trials or instances. 

To put it into a much simpler definition, you have a higher chance of changing your outcome if you continue to find the results through trial and error. It’ll take tons of self-discipline and consistency, but eventually, you will see that the outcome that you’re trying to achieve is quite possible.

When it comes to acquiring new skills and learning them, knowing the law of averages has been proven to be quite effective.

Examples for The Law of Averages:

Example 1: Basketball Shots

Let’s say you’re trying to shoot a basketball into a hoop but constantly miss. It’s frustrating, right? After about ten shots, you eventually make one and all of a sudden, it feels good. Finally, your first shot.

You decided that you should continue shooting and practicing, where you’ll eventually develop muscle memory to where you can make even more shots.

And from your many trial and errors of missing hoops, you’re finally making two out of ten shots. Because of your constant failure through trial and error, you’re learning not to miss those shots from practicing.

After about a thousand shots, you’re finally making one out of every two.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the famous Steph Curry from the Golden State Warriors.

Did you know that Steph Curry hasn’t missed a free throw shot during a postseason game in nearly four years?

That’s insane statistics if you really think about it. But what do you think he does every day that many others don’t do? Steph Curry spends hours every day perfecting and mastering his free throws.

Stephen Curry Ezra Shaw Getty Images2 e1435150502647

Steph Curry making a free throw shot.

Example 2: Sales

You just got hired at a company for a sales position. You’re still a beginner and inexperience.

Whether it’s door-to-door sales or cold-calling potential clients, you just can’t seem to be getting anyone interested.

In the law of averages, if you continue knocking doors or calling clients, you’ll eventually get someone that’s interested.

Even if you get a hundred “no,” you’ll eventually get someone that’s a yes. Your outcome and results will change for the better as you experience more practice from dealing with customers.

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Success is inevitable. Law of averages.

Law of Averages: Quotes

Below are some of my favorite law of averages quotes.

quote it s the law of averages put in more come out with more bruce lee 82 57 28

“It’s the law of averages: put in more, come with more.” – Bruce Lee

This one from Bruce Lee about the law of averages in quite motivational. You just have to put in more effort if you’re not seeing the results that you want. If you’re asking for a better outcome, the outcome is expecting harder work from you.

If I want to be rich, then should I just work at my regular job? No, I have to put in an effort such as creating streamlines of income and experimenting with ways to success. Only YOU can change your outcome.

Here’s another one from an American author.

quote become the person who would attract the results you seek

“Become the person who would attract the results you seek.” – Jim Cathcart

In this quote by Jim Cathcart, an American author says that you will get results if you attract it simply by working towards your goal(s). Listen to Jim Cathcart! Don’t give up and continue striving for success.

If you want to become a writer, then work towards becoming one. If you want to be a video game streamer, you have the power of the internet.

Questions About The Law of Averages: Quora Questions

Is the law of averages (Quora) an illusion?

the law of averages is no illusion, but it applies only to averages. – Aaron Brown, MBA Finance & Statistics, The University of Chicago Booth School of Business (1982)

Brown stated that it’s only the averages that tend toward their value when it comes to long-term. Let’s say you flip a coin one time, you will end up with either 0% or 100% tails/heads. If you choose to continue flipping the coin, the averages will get closer to 50% (not with every flip) eventually.

Do you find the law of averages consistent of free will?

I’m not sure how the law of averages is inconsistent with the concept of free will. – John DeMarco, artist, author, and scientist of the zen-dao x-gnosis

According to John DeMarco from Quora, an average is a quantity, rating, or the like that correspond to approximates in arithmetic means. They’re usually used as means for determining patterns usually for random occurrences.

One of the examples that DeMarco stated, was if free tuition were all of a sudden available in the US, and students from schools weren’t pressured to enter the working world, then we’re likely seeing the average shift.

One thing to be considering is that an average while having particular meanings with numbers because of their firmness in value, usually becomes an abstract concept when you’re dealing with individuals.

Whatever you’re doing and no matter what it is, at any time, could be data for statistics. At the moment, you’re most likely using an internet device to read this article – you’re a statistic.

Law of Averages: From My Experience

I’ve worked for many sales departments before in the past. I’ve learned a lot about the law of averages at one of my departments where I’ve worked in the past. From my experience, those that continued on aiming for clients no matter how many times they’ve failed, they usually end up being the most successful people.

I’ve seen a salesperson with a lack of experience in sales, yet he continued on calling clients and made the most sales by the end of the month.

We were taught about the law of averages and everyone was motivated. If you want success or see results, don’t be hesitant to chase after it.

The Right Way to Handle Insults

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If someone says something negative to you just once, you may ask yourself why he is doing so, and in your mind you would even curse him a few times. In so doing, you are creating a new account with him while settling an old one. When he came to return what you yourself previously gave to him, instead of accepting and depositing it, you cursed him several times. You are not able to tolerate even a single insult from him and yet you insult him several times over. Now how is the human intellect to reach such depths? Instead people gradually bind themselves deeper and deeper and increase the confusion.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan has given numerous keys on how to respond to insults, let us have a look at them: 

  • When someone showers harsh abusive words on you, you need to be alert and avoid a clash with that person. Do not get into a dispute.
  • Try to understand their viewpoint. Why are they getting angry and hurling abusive words at you? Once you know the reason for their anger, then you will be able to calmly resolve the problem. Wait for the other person’s anger to calm down before approaching them. Then calmly discuss the matter and bring about a mutually accepted solution.
  • When someone insults you by shouting at you, they tend to repeat the same things over and over again. The trick is to figure out what they are trying to say behind all the excessive speech. Do not pay attention to their words, figure out what they want and act accordingly.
  • Instead of becoming emotional when someone insults you, remain calm and collected. If you react then you are just adding fuel to the fire. In the end the whole house will burn down and both of you will make a loss. Param Pujya Dadashri says, ‘It is a tremendous strength to be able to digest an insult.
  • Do not react instantly. Since you have been insulted your first instinct is to hurl abuses back. Don’t! Let the inner turmoil within you settle. Then approach the other person and pose your viewpoint. Share your part of the story with them, give them an explanation of why you did what you did. Then they might see things your way. This is how to respond to insults.
  • Maintain a positive attitude. At least the other person only used harsh words or verbal humiliation, they did not slap you, or for that matter stab you. This will dilute the severity of the harsh words.
  • Keep the understanding, that whatever is happening is a result of the karmas you had sown. It is not the other person’s fault for abusing you. They are merely helping you finish your karmas. This understanding will help you not get affected and experience suffering. Realize that, ‘I have done something wrong in my past life that is why I am getting abused in this life.’ He speaks to you in this way because the fault is your own. In doing so, he is liberating you from your mistake of your past life. You must not have any ill feeling towards him. On the contrary, you should be indebted to that person for freeing you from your karma and yet you behave with contempt towards him.

When someone insults you and your mind does not spoil for that person, then you have done penance. When such penance happens, energy of the Self manifests.

Inviting a Slap with Compensation

Consider yourself very fortunate if someone insults you or speaks ill of you. A few years ago I used to announce that anyone in need of money could come and give me a slap and I in return would pay him five hundred rupees. Everyone refused and said they could not do it. Where can you find someone willing to slap or insult you even if you were willing to pay them for it?  So people who are insulted frequently in their homes without having to pay for them, should consider themselves fortunate. As for myself, although I was willing to pay five hundred rupees, I was not as fortunate.

Before attaining spontaneous Self Realization, I used to insult and belittle myself because no one else would do it for me! Even though I was willing to pay to be insulted, no one would oblige me and that is why I had to do it myself. I used to tell myself, ‘you have no sense whatsoever! You are stupid! You are an imbecile!’ I would ask myself: ‘what kind of a person are you? Is the path to liberation so difficult to warrant such behavior from you?’ I would insult myself in this way. What else could I do when no one would oblige me? You, on the other hand, don’t even have to search for insults or pay for them, because you receive them anyway. Hence, shouldn’t you take advantage of this situation?

How to Tell if a Girl Likes You & What to Do About it?

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Wondering whether a girl likes you or not?

I feel your pain. I’ve never been able to understand what’s going on a female’s head, especially if I’m smitten.

But thanks to research on women psychology, I’ve come to realize that it’s not as complex as we might think.

The trick is knowing what signs to look for (while also keeping in mind context).

So in this article, I’m going to talk about every sign that I’ve found in my research.

Check them out and let me know what you think in the comments.

1. She looks at you

how to tell a girl likes you

You can tell a lot about how often a person looks at you. Nothing screams “I’m interested” more than constant eye contact.

According to ex FBI behavioral analyst Jack Schafer:

“People look at people they like and avoid looking at people they don’t like.”

Fairly obvious, right?

If she can’t keep her eyes off you, then surely she’s intrigued by you for some reason.

But a common theme throughout this article is going to be context.

So here’s what to keep in mind:

– If she maintains eye contact with you when you look at her, she’s most likely interested. She’s probably fairly forward and confident as well.

– If her eyes wander to your mouth, she is definitely into you.

– If you catch her looking and she looks away quickly, she might be into you but is shy about it. You might want to approach her if you see her do this.

– On the other hand, if she breaks eye contact with you and continues scanning the room, that may not be a good sign.

– A huge sign that she likes you is if you’re in a group, she says something and looks to you first for your reaction.

It’s as simple as that. If a girl does her best to avoid eye contact with you, she’s probably not interested.

The fact is, when someone is attracted to you, they’ll keep looking at you—consciously or subconsciously. They can’t help it.

Schafer explains:

“The neurochemical oxytocin may be responsible for increased eye contact. Elevated oxytocin levels increase mutual eye gaze and provide a sense of well-being, which increases mutual attraction. ”

Which only goes to show, keep looking at her in the eyes if you want to keep her interested. Texting or chatting with her online is not the same, especially if you want it to develop from more than a crush.

Psychologist Dr. Suzana Flores advises:

“When someone is in love with you, they will stare at your eyes more directly and for a longer period of time; they want to be completely present with you. This is why it’s so important to interact with a love interest in person versus just through digital connection—we need to connect emotionally through eye contact.”

2. She “mirrors” you

how to tell a girl likes you

Do you feel like she’s copying your mannerisms? The slang you use? The pace at which you talk?

If so, then she definitely likes you.

Expert consensus suggests “mirroring” is a major sign someone likes you.

One study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin proves that subtle “behavioral mimicry” indicates attraction.

Jane McGonigal, researcher and author of The New York Times bestseller Reality Is Broken, mirroring calls mirroring a “love detector.”

She explains:

“Every day, we are constantly mirroring—with our facial expressions, with our body language, even with our breathing and heart rates—people who we like.

“And the more that we feel like we really understand somebody, we’re really connecting with them, we really really clicking with them, the more likely we are to physically mirror what they’re doing.”

So keep an eye out for this when you’re in conversation with her. For example, if you like to move your hands a lot when you talk and suddenly she is doing the same, then that’s a clear sign of rapport and perhaps physical attraction.

Another easy thing to look out for is she uses the same slang or words as you do, or if she is matching the speed you talk.

If your energy is up and you’re excited and then she’s suddenly the same, rapport and attraction is likely high.

3. She maintains regular contact with you

how to tell a girl likes you

Radio silence is a huge red flag.

When someone likes you, they’ll be interested in getting to know you better. They have to maintain communication with you to do that.

Relationship expert Dresean Ryan says:

“Believe it or not, something as simple as a ‘good morning’ text can show someone has deep feelings for you.”

Does she reply to your messages as soon as she can? More so, does she instigate conversation herself?

This is especially the case when it comes to social media and messaging apps. We’re not as embarrassed online and we tend to be more forward, so if they’re engaging with you on social media (even simple “likes” on your photos) then that’s a good sign that they like you.

You can also gauge a lot from the way that she is messaging you. For example, is she just giving you one-word answers that don’t require much effort? Or is she responding to you with thoughtful answers that require more cognitive effort?

If she constantly engages with you with thoughtful answers, she is certainly interested in you.

4. She touches you

how to tell a girl likes you

Linking her arms to yours, lightly touching your leg when sitting, or even quickly touching your hair—these are really good signs she’s comfortable with you.

It’s also a signal that she is physically attracted to you.

Small, non-sexual touches indicate attraction, according to sex educator and relationship expert Bethany Ricciardi.

She says:

“Are their feet facing you while you talk, are they standing up straight and making eye contact? If so, they’re drawn to you.”

It is also particularly encouraging if she doesn’t shirk away from your touch.

According to relationship development expert AJ Harbinger:

“Touch is one of the biggest mutual attraction signs going. If you touch her, you’re showing interest. If she likes being touched by you, she’s attracted to you.

“Note that this applies to even “accidental” touch. If you’re walking next to her and you bump into her a little bit and she starts walking closer to you, that’s a sign of attraction.”

This is a fairly easy one to test out. All you have to do is lightly touch her arm and then watch how she responds.

If she seems comfortable with your light touch and even moves her body towards you, then thats obviously a great sign that she likes you.

On the other hand, if she seems creeped out and instantly moves away, that’s not a good sign.

Of course, if she is initiating touch with you, that’s a fantastic sign. It’s common knowledge that people touch who they like. It means she’s comfortable with you and the rapport is high.

According to behavior analyst Jack Schafer, “women may lightly touch the arm of the person they are talking to. This light touch is not an invitation to a sexual encounter; it merely indicates she likes you.”

5. She seems fidgety

how to tell a girl likes you

You’ll know she likes you if she acts a little bit nervous and awkward around you.

A sure sign is also if fidgets with something while she’s talking to you.

According to marriage and relationships therapist Dr. Nikki Martinez:

“Women do some intentional and unintentional things when they are interested in someone. Some of these signs could be blushing, hair tossing, lip biting or licking, hand wringing, and a decrease of physical space boundaries.

“Many times they are not even aware they are doing them, and that might be the best sign of all, as they cannot help themselves around you.”

Try to notice if she does these subtle things when you’re together.

Blushing is another great sign that she likes you.

Blushing is when she will develop a pink tinge in the face from embarrassment or shame.

There’s an easy way to test this out. Give her an unexpected compliment and see how she reacts.

If seems a little embarrassed, unsure of how to act and her face appears a little red, then she probably likes you.

However, some girls blush quite easily. So you’ll want to get a baseline of how she acts around other people before you assume her blushing is unique towards you.

6. She has an “open” body language and “catwalk posture”

how to tell a girl likes you

Another body language sign she’s into you is when she deliberately “positions” herself towards you.

Does her body point in your direction when you’re across the room? Where do her feet point?

Meanwhile, if she has her arms crossed and her upper body positioned away from you, it’s a tell-tale sign she’s not interested.

According to clinical sexologist and author Dr. Dawn Michael:

“When a woman is intrigued by you, her body will let you know – and not how you think. She will posture her body in a way that is facing you in an open position, uncross her arms, switch her legs if they are crossed, and turn in your direction.”

Also, in order to impress you (if she likes you of course), she may stand taller, puller her stomach in and her shoulder’s back. This is what I like to call “the catwalk posture”.

If she likes you, when she walks past you, she will pull her shoulders back and accentuate her hips just like a model would.

She might not even know she is doing this, but subconsciously she wants to impress you, and a great, proud posture is a good way to do this. Males do it when we’re around a girl we like.

Here’s an example of how she might walk if she knows you’re looking (this is a little exaggerated of course).

7. She’s nervous around you

how to tell a girl likes you

There’s a difference between “uninterested” and “nervous.”

And a lot of guys don’t know the difference.

When I look back on the girls that I was courting when I was younger, I thought that if they didn’t talk to me a lot, then they simply didn’t like me. Now I realize that many of them may have simply been nervous.

After all, some people tend not to talk much when nervous, right?

On the other hand, some people talk too much. You just need to know which type of person you’re dealing with.

You also need to learn to make them feel comfortable so their nerves dissipate. You can do this by being agreeable, friendly and continuing the conversation in a non-threatening manner.

Anyway, don’t make the same mistakes as me when it comes to working out whether a girl is nervous or not around you.

According to Business Insider, there are 7 body-language clues that tell that someone is nervous which will help you out.

  1. Face touching – it’s a means of pacifying. When you put pressure on your body part, it’s the brain’s way of being “soothed.”
  2. Blinking frequently – according to research, blinking your eyes frequently occurs either when you’re nervous or lying.
  3. Lips compression – compressed lips may mean psychological distress, which can occur when someone feels nervous or under pressure.
  4. Hair playing – a “pacifying” action that soothes anxiety.
  5. Hand contortion – interlacing fingers, squeezing hands together, cracking knuckles indicate nervousness.
  6. Rubbing hands – another display of nerves is when someone rubs the skin of their hands together.
  7. Yawning – this might be tricky, as it can mean boredom or nervousness. However, research indicates that yawning helps regulate body temperature by bringing cool air into the nose and mouth.

8. She asks you a lot of questions

how to tell a girl likes you

Is she interested to know everything about you?

From superficial details like your favorite ice cream flavor to deep, intimate questions about your life—if she likes you, she’ll ask a lot of questions.

It’s also proof that she wants you to open up and let her in.

The fact she is making such an effort in the conversation should make the conversation flow fairly easily as well.

I’m guessing that if you like her, you’ll be making an effort as well.

Now a quick giveaway to see if she is making an effort is to see if she asks a question when there is a hint of awkward silence.

This shows that she wants to keep the conversation going and, most importantly, develop a rapport with you.

When two people are making an effort in the conversation, asking engaging questions and actually listening, then the rapport and chemistry will be high.

In the same vein, she may also start revealing personal details about her life to you. She obviously trusts you if she is doing this, and that’s a great sign that she likes you.

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According to University of Dayton psychology professor R. Matthew Montoya:

“When we like someone, we act in ways to get them to trust us. From this perspective, we engage in these behaviors to increase the degree of overlap, interdependence, and commitment to an agreement.”

On the other hand, if all she doesn’t seem to really care if there are awkward silences or not and appears like she just doesn’t have much invested in the conversation, then it’s likely she isn’t attracted to you.

9. She allows you in her personal space

how to tell a girl likes you

Everyone values their personal space.

Many people don’t let someone they don’t like inside their personal space. Some even go out of their way to create boundaries.

But if a girl allows you into her physical or non-physical “space,” then she definitely likes you.

Dr. Martinez explains:

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“While we each have different personal space boundaries, when someone is inside what most of us would consider our bubble, we may want to take notice that this person wants our attention and wants to be near us.”

This one is fairly easy to notice. All you have to do is get close to her and see how she reacts. If she is comfortable with it, and even initiates it, then clearly the rapport between the two of you is high.

One thing to keep in mind is that this means she is comfortable with you. Now if you have known her for a while, then she may be comfortable with you because you are a good friend.

Therefore, she may like you as a friend, rather than as a romantic interest.

On the other hand, if you haven’t known her for very long, and she is comfortable with getting close to you, then there’s more chance that she is attracted to you.

10. She makes plans with you

how to tell a girl likes you

If she doesn’t like you, she will make you think she’s very busy and cannot be disturbed. But if she likes you, she will tell you a definite date or time to meet you again.

According to Harbinger:

“Are you dating a woman who makes plans for you? If so, this is a very clear sign of attraction. She’s not going to wait for you to call her up. She’s so attracted to you that she’s going to make plans and hope you go along. Once she starts calling you to hang out or go on dates, you can rest assured that she’s definitely into you.”

If she likes you, then, of course, she will want to spend more time with you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she will say “yes” to any date you want to organize. We all have busy lives.

However, she’ll probably try to organize a time that suits her.

Some girls don’t want to meet after work because they’ll “look tired”. But she will try to meet you sometime at the weekend where she can make herself look pretty for you.

Also, if you have only met her once, or it’s an early stage in the relationship, she won’t say yes to every single one of your advances.

After all, she doesn’t want to appear needy. Females are, in general, more socially intelligent than us males. The last thing they will want to be seen as is “easy” or “needy”.

And of course, if she is initiating a date with you, then she is being pretty direct that she likes you.

11. Her friends know about you

how to tell a girl likes you

If a girl likes you, her friends will know. Women tell their girlfriends everything.

So if she introduces you to her friends, it’s a sign she sees a future with you. She’ll also ask their approval.

According to relationship expert and author April Masini:

“Even if they haven’t said, ‘I love you’ yet, wanting to show you off and to get approval from parents (no matter how old a partner is), means that they care for you enough to see a future with you.”

If you’re lucky enough to get introduced, you should also observe the way they act around you. If they deliberately encourage you or give you time to be alone with her, then they not only like you, but they also know she likes you.

They may also laugh with each other or whisper when you’ are around.

Her friends may also try to get to know to you with personal questions to make sure you’re a good guy. After all, they’re looking to protect their friend.

12. She laughs and smiles with you

how to tell a girl likes you

Here’s another sure-fire way to know if a girl likes you.

Tell her your corniest joke, and her reaction will be your answer.

According to human behavior and attraction expert Norman Li:

“There’s an easy way to find out… try to make them laugh. If the laughter comes easy, the answer is likely yes. If it doesn’t, the answer is likely no.”

Humor is a huge indicator of a positive relationship with someone. If she engages in smiles, humorous and playful banter, then she is definitely interested in you.

Li explains:

“You are more likely to be interested in some kind of relationship with a person if you initiate any kind of humor towards them. If the other person is also interested, they should be more likely to perceive you as humorous and respond favorably (laugh), even if you’re objectively not all that funny.”

Furthermore, if you’re in a group, and she tells a joke or a story and then looks to you first for your reaction, then that’s an excellent sign she is looking for your approval and she is attracted to you.

13. She blushes

how to tell a girl likes you

We’ve mentioned this one above, but it’s worth mentioning again in more detail as it is such a big sign that a girl likes you.

According to Mind Valley, there are three reasons why people blush when they’re with someone they’re attracted to:

  • Admiration
  • Eagerness
  • Anxiety

There’s a host of psychological reasons why girls blush, but ultimately, it’s a response to being “exposed.”

Clinical psychologist Mary C. Lamia explains:

“Blushing occurs in situations that you perceive as involving a social transgression; however, it can happen in an exciting situation as well, such as in the self-consciousness of being physically attracted to another person.

“Such ‘exposure experiences’ cause you to blush because they activate feelings of shame—you think of yourself as ‘caught’ in the eyes of others, and you may feel as though you are inadequate, lacking, or vulnerable in terms of any number of important attributes.”

If she blushes, it’s because she might be a little embarrassed, but it’s only because she wants you to like her, too.

14. Her voice changes

how to tell a girl likes you

You can also tell a lot from a woman’s voice.

In fact, research shows that changes in pitch and tone are a natural act of human courtship.

2014 study found that vocal modulation can increase proceptivity between couples during the early stages of dating.

The researchers wrote:

“Our results suggest that modulating F0 may be a critical parameter in human courtship, independently of semantic content.”

If her voice becomes softer and huskier, it may be a sign that she has feelings for you.

15. She glows

how to tell a girl likes you

Yes, that’s right.

When a girl is with someone she likes, she literally glows.

People look happier and healthier when they’re in love. That’s because our body reacts well to the love chemicals we acquire when we feel that attraction.

Oxytocin is not called the “love hormone for nothing. When we have it in our system, blood flow is increased. Once it starts flowing, nutrients also flow, which add to that “glowing” appearance.

According to life coach and body language expert Tiffany Toombs:

“When we like someone our pores open, allowing more oil secretion and our skin gets shinier.”

Furthermore, her pupils will dilate if she likes you.

Research from the University of Kent found that eye dilation happens when you’re looking at someone or something you’re attracted to.

This is a great one to notice because it’s clearly something we can’t control. The eyes really can give her away.

Make sure you check their pupils in constant, standard level of light to figure out if they’re bigger than average.

16. She uses the “we” word

how to tell a girl likes you

Never underestimate the power of the “we” word. It means a lot.

According to Dr. Martinez:

“A woman may speak several times using ‘we.’ Things ‘we should do.’ How much ‘we’ are alike. How ‘we’ have a lot in common or have the same sense of humour.

“This is a subtle way of letting you know that she would like there to be a ‘we.’”

If she likes to talk about the two of you in the “we” form, then it’s a sign she thinks about you as one unit, rather than think of you as a stranger.

You won’t really get a better signal than this, but it’s one that can go past some guy’s heads, so make sure you’re paying attention the words she’s using.

17. She’s awkward around you

how to tell a girl likes you

Yes, it’s counterintuitive, but it’s the way it goes.

When you like someone, somehow, you just become an awkward mess around them. This a lot to do with the nerves and the need to impress someone they like.

According to popular dating expert Matthew Hussey:

“It’s school playground stuff. The boy or girl is going to act strangely around the person they like. As soon as we like someone, it tends to be that our charisma and our wit and our fun, casual nature goes out the window — and this new, strange, awkward fumbling person shows up.”

It can go both ways—she becomes extremely shy or too energetic. Either way, it could be a sign she’s really into you.

If she’s an introvert, she’ll likely become shy and less talkative, whereas if she’s an extrovert, she may talk more quickly, talk more and be excited.

After a while, she’ll become comfortable with you and you’ll be able to read into the other indicators I’ve mentioned in this list.

18. She’s acting contradictory

how to tell a girl likes you

It might be a little confusing, but if she’s especially a shy girl, or she has an intense crush on you, she can act in a rather contradictive manner.

Hussey adds:

“If they’re telling a story to a group, and you’re in that group, very often if they like you, you’re the person they won’t make eye contact with. he person we feel most nervous with is the person who we avoid direct communication with.”

But there’s one way to tell that she likes you, anyway:

She likes to be near you.

Hussey explains:

“You’ll find that you become a center of gravity for that person. They’ll find a way to get closer to you, even if they haven’t quite gotten the courage to say something.”

Actions speak louder than words, right?

19. She often agrees with you

Who likes to spend time with someone completely different from you?

The ‘Similarity Principle’ indicates that people like to be surrounded by people who share the same interests as them.

The similarity-attraction effect indicates that people are attracted to someone who is like them when it comes to interests, tastes, belief, etc.

It is definitely a good sign if she agrees with a lot of things you have to say, especially on important subjects. If she is always arguing with you, especially during the first few meetings, it might be difficult for you two to develop anything deeper.

20. She eats less in front of you

how to tell a girl likes you

Women eat less in front of someone they’re attracted to.

According to a Canadian study, women eat less around men than they do when they’re with women.

In fact, the study also claims that men are “negative predictors,” which means that the more times a woman ate food with men, the less she ate.

As to why, Meredith Young, the study’s lead researcher says:

“When it is a date situation, that’s when we see a big difference. You can be judged more or less attractive, more or less feminine, more or less desirable depending on what you eat.”

It’s not her fault. And you should encourage her to be more comfortable around you. However, it’s still a sign she likes you.

21) Some girls will be indecisive

This isn’t necessarily a sign that someone likes you, but I think it’s incredibly important to realize that some girls will be indecisive about whether they like you or not.

These girls will treat you like a king one day, showing all the signs we’ve mentioned in this list, then the next day they won’t show any signs and they might even ignore you.

Why?

It could mean one of two things:

1) She’s trying to manipulate and take advantage of you. Maybe she is trying to make someone else jealous or perhaps she wants you to do something for her.

2) Or, she could simply be indecisive and doesn’ really know want she wants.

Either way, it’s important to realize when a girl is being inconsistent in her behavior because she may not truly like you, or even worse, she may be out to use you.

It’s best to give someone like this their space and move on.

In conclusion…

You can discover a lot by observing a girl’s body language.

According to Vanessa Van Edwards, behavioral investigator and bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People:

“Body language is an essential ingredient of attraction. When we talk about love, dating, and romance, body language plays a big role.”

Look at how a girl acts around you to tell if she’s attracted to you. And if you realize that she is, use open body language to let her know you’re interested, too.

Van Edwards explains:

“Both males and females find people with available body language the most attractive. Available body language is smiling, uncrossed arms, uncrossed legs and upward gazing (not looking down at shoes or phones).”

Take note, however:

If you really want to be sure, just ask her.

It’s the best, uncomplicated way to definitely know whether your pursuits will go anywhere. It will also take less time and effort on your part.

After all, life is a risk. Better to follow the same advice when it comes to love.

The Ultimate Guide to on How to Start Talking to a Girl

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I was one of those guys who never got any girls to like me.

Today, I’ve coached over 100 men and worked for 8 years as a dating coach. I know that no matter your current situation, it’s possible to become confident talking to girls.

Here are my best tips on how to talk to girls.

1. Best 6 things to talk about with a girl

What should you actually say when you start talking to a girl? What do girls find interesting?

Here are 6 topics that are fun and easy to start off a conversation.

  1. Movies, music, or books (What does she like? Figure out if you have anything in common.)
  2. Goals and dreams (What does she dream of doing in the future?)
  3. Family (Where are they from, does she have any siblings?)
  4. Traveling (Does she have any travel plans? What’s the coolest place she’s visited?)
  5. Work or school (What does she work with/what class does she like best?)
  6. What she likes doing in her free time

These topic are great to start off with because most girls have something to say about it. When you’ve started talking you can go deeper and develop the conversation more from there.

If you ever run out of things to say, any of these topics are great to restart the conversation.

2. How to stop being nervous when talking to cute girls

For some of us, nervousness causes us to freeze up as soon as we’ve started talking to a girl we like. Even worse if we got a crush on her.

There are many reasons to feel nervous when we’ve started talking with a girl:

  1. It feels like more is at stake
  2. We’re afraid of rejection
  3. We don’t have enough experience talking to girls
  4. We become self-conscious around a cute girl we want to impress

I have 3 tricks to deal with nervosity (and shyness).

A. Focus on the girl instead of on yourself

Do this by putting your focus on what the girl is saying, how she’s feeling, what she wants. Ask yourself questions in your head about these things. Try to figure out who she really is.

When you switch your focus from yourself to her like this, something magical happens. Your nervosity and self-consciousness will start to disappear. That’s because your brain can’t focus on two things at the same time. So if you focus on the girl, you’ll make sure you stay present and avoid any extreme nervosity.

B. It’s better to be a bit nervous than not nervous at all

If you’re a bit nervous and it shines through, that can create a certain tension and intensity. That tension is good for the chemistry between you and the girl.

For example, if your voice starts to shake a little, it won’t turn her off. Instead, it helps make the interaction more exciting and genuine. It signals that this means something to you which makes it more interesting to the girl.

Nervosity is our bodies reaction to preparing us for a new and challenging situation. It has the psychological function of making us more creative and wittier.

When we realize nervosity is there to help us, we can stop being “afraid of being afraid”.

C. Acting with fear

Just because we are afraid doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do something. Even if your voice is shaking, we can still decide to make a conversation with a girl we’re attracted to.

This is a powerful mindset known by behavioral scientists as acting with fear. It’s GREAT to be nervous and still do things you are afraid of. That’s how you conquer your fear.

It feels like fear is a sign to stop. But in reality, fear is a sign that something good is about to happen: That we are going to do something that will help us grow as a person.

3. Learn how to talk to girls with the “bucket principle”

When we talk to a girl we’re attracted to, we often feel that we need to come off as smart, confident, and attractive.

When we try to solve this nearly impossible equation, we lock up. The end result is that we become less attractive.

The problem here is that we put the girl in the “girlfriend bucket” and everyone else in the “friend bucket”. To get more relaxed with girls, we need to start putting them in the “friend bucket” too.

Try this: Make a conscious decision to smile, talk, and interact with girls in the same way you would with a stranger. Don’t try to be funny, smart, or attractive.

Does this mean that you can’t have flirty interaction with a girl you’re attracted to? No, this isn’t what this is about. This is about not trying to do everything differently just because you’re attracted to someone. Trying too much is a surefire way to mess up.

Here are 6 signs that you’re being weird when talking to girls:

  1. Being too nice
  2. Being too polite
  3. Being too cocky
  4. Being cold
  5. Trying to be smart
  6. Trying to be confident

Just treat the girl like everyone else and be friendly. Down the road, when you know there’s a chemistry between you, you can start considering that girl as a potential girlfriend.

4. How to tell if a girl likes you

Here are some of the more common signs I’ve seen that tells if she’s got a crush on you.

  1. She’s laughing at your jokes even if they’re bad
  2. She added you on social media and likes your posts (Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram)
  3. She told her friends and family about you
  4. She’s teasing you in a playful or flirty manner
  5. She’s holding eye contact with you for a longer time than normal
  6. She touches you when you talk
  7. She seems extra shy when you hang out with her
  8. She gives you more attention than others

Click here to read all 42 signs to tell if a girl likes you.

5. The mistake of trying to prove that you’re worthy of her

Most guys make the mistake of trying to qualify themselves to the girl.

They’re thinking: “What should I say to make her like me?”

It’s an unattractive mindset because it puts her on a pedestal. All the cool things about you become repulsive if you use them to “prove you’re worthy”.

What I like to do is to turn this around by assuming that I am worthy by default.

Then I can focus on finding out if she’s worthy of my standards.

You do this by simply making normal back-and-forth conversation. But your underlying purpose in the conversation is to figure out if YOU like her. When you focus on this, you will also feel more confident talking to her.

And if you like her, it will feel like a natural step to get her number or ask her to meet up again.

6. Increase attraction by maintaining suspense

Suspense is uncertainty combined with excitement. And you can increase attraction by keeping her in suspense.

If you give her compliments all the time and give her all your attention, she will know that she could have you whenever she wants. This kills the suspense for her, it’s not exciting.

If you give her just enough attention and compliments to tickle her interest, she will suspect you’re interested in her, but she won’t be certain. This will make her think even more of you because the human brain wants clarity.

This isn’t just something that works on girls. The girls I’ve been the most obsessed with are those who I didn’t quite know if they liked me as much as I liked them.

7. Keep her interested by “matching investment”

This principle is about matching her investment in your relationship (or conversation). So, if she’s opening up a lot about herself, you can match that by opening up equally much. And if she’s not opening up, you probably shouldn’t tell her your full life story yet.

The principle of matching investment also applies to most other things, for example, how long messages you write, and how you write them. Or how often you interact with her on social media.

If you text her all the time, she will feel pressured to answer you. The reason too much pressure on her is a bad thing is because it takes all the fun and spontaneity out of your relationship. Replying to you can start feeling like a chore instead of something fun and exciting.

If you message her as much or less than her, your communication will feel relaxed and mutual; it won’t make her feel pressured or stressed answering you.

Example: If she messages you several times a day, feel free to message her about as much. But if she never messages you, keep your messaging to a bare minimum. This avoids putting too much pressure on her to reciprocate.

This ties in with maintaining suspense like we talked about earlier. Don’t give her everything, all the time. Just give her enough to keep her interested.

8. Build attraction by being non-reactive instead of trying to please

When you learn how to talk to girls, you may notice how they start complaining to you, teasing you, or nagging you. Maybe they dislike your outfit, they question your life choices, or they complain about your haircut.

Most often, this is a subconscious behavior which happens because she’s interested in you. If you react and try to please her, it will often be a turn off for her. If you’re instead non-reactive, it shows that you are confident in who you are.

Example: A girl complains about your haircut.

In this case, the most attractive thing you can do is to show her that you are confident with your haircut and that her opinion doesn’t affect you negatively.

A non-reactive response could be to not even notice what she said, or it could be to play along with it as a joke because you found it funny. The important part is that you don’t try to please her.

Read here how I stopped caring so much what others think.

9. Trying too hard to be funny or interesting KILLS the conversation

Most inexperienced guys get this wrong.

They think it’s so important to keep the conversation fun or interesting, that they forget about the most basic conversational rules. This leads to weird, awkward, or uncomfortable conversations.

Not even the most entertaining topic can help you if the girl you’re talking to feels uncomfortable talking to you.

If you can maintain a normal conversation that makes her feel comfortable and relaxed with you, you’re already halfway there.

Click here to read how to make interesting conversation with anyone.

10. The alpha-trap that KILLS attraction with girls

Here’s where guys make another big mistake (that I’ve also been guilty of).

That is, trying to play the role of an “alpha” or to be “mysterious”. The problem is that when we try to mimic alpha-behavior, we come off as fake and insincere.

I’ve seen way too many guys in clubs trying to play the role of someone everyone else can see that they aren’t. On top of that, when you try to be alpha, you’re not being yourself, and that shines through.

The same thing with guys trying to be mysterious; it just gets weird.

Ironically, there’s an easy solution to this. Focus on just having a normal, relaxed conversation and let go of all pick-up ideas.

Most girls dream of a man they can have normal, relaxed, and enjoyable conversations with.

When you can have a normal conversation with a girl without pretending you’re someone else, you will also become more confident and attractive.

11. Taking the next step when talking to a girl

How do you ensure that your conversation actually leads somewhere?

It’s easy to get stuck making conversation and entertaining. Then you conveniently forget (or don’t dare) to take the next step. I’ve done it over a hundred times… I’m was the master of excuses.

What I mean by the next step is to ask for her number/Facebook/Snapchat, ask her on a date/activity, or going from light physical touch to the first kiss.

I remember how my friend met his girlfriend. We were all hanging out in a big group. And when it was time to leave, he was going to go shoot some hoops with his best friend.

He then casually asked the girl he liked if she wanted to join them. She did. Not many days later they started dating. And weeks after that they were boyfriend-girlfriend.

Lesson learned: Just do it. Take the initiative and proceed to ask her out. If she says yes, that’s great. If she says no, that’s great too because now you know and can either try again with better timing or you can focus on someone else.

But how do we know WHEN we should proceed to take the next step?

When is it natural to take someone’s number or ask her out on a date?

My rule is this: Take the next step when the conversation feels good or when it’s natural for you to do so.

So how do you know when the conversation feels good?

The right time is when you are both having a good time talking and you both feel some kind of light connection. It can be so simple as when she feels: “Yeah, he’s normal and we seem to have some stuff in common.”

I’m not saying it’s easy taking initiative with someone you got a crush on. It’s really hard. But you’re going to regret not trying. And you’ll always be happy you tried even if it didn’t go your way.

12. Beating fear of rejection and developing courage

When I was around 18, I had never even kissed a girl. One of my biggest fears was making a move and getting rejected in some horrible way. I assumed that if I got rejected, it would prove that no girl could ever like me.

I figured I would wait for a girl to make a move on me. I thought, If I just got charming and attractive enough, it would eventually happen.

The problem was and still is this:

Most girls have the same fear of rejection we have.

If you don’t take initiative yourself, your chances are slim to none that you’ll ever meet someone you really like unless you’re very lucky or insanely good looking. Most girls are shy when it comes to taking initiative.

What helped me beat my fear of rejection was becoming aware of it. I started to see how my fear of rejection was holding me back from ever meeting a girl I liked.

I needed to push my boundaries and show my intentions toward girls I liked. If I never took initiative and risked getting rejected, nothing would happen.

I understood that I had to put myself in situations where I got rejected to overcome my fear.

I did a lot of online dating, and also talking to random girls I met in my daily life. I actually challenged myself to ask random girls out on a date.

Even if I got rejected most of the time, it was still a win every time I dared to do it; each rejection helped me overcome my fear and gave me more experience talking to girls. My courage grew with each rejection.

Mindset: Looking at rejection logically

If we think about it, what’s the worst that can happen? In 99 out of 100 rejections I’ve had, the girl has politely and friendly declined to give me her number. And nothing more happened, I just excused myself after some friendly parting words.

And you know what, getting rejected like that rocks!

I’ve never regretted asking for a girl’s number and getting a no. I’ve always left proud that I dared to do it. And usually, I learned something to help me do better next time.

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I’ve actually been rejected more than a thousand times. If I hadn’t allowed myself to be rejected so many times, I would never have met my girlfriend as of 7+ years.

Rejection sounds dramatic, but in the end, a rejection is just a semi-awkward conversation or an unanswered text message. The world always moves on. And so will you.

13. How often should you keep in contact with a girl?

There are two main principles to balance when you determine how often you should communicate with her.

The first principle is to strike while the iron is hot. Don’t wait so long that she starts forgetting about you or assumes you’re uninterested. You want her memory of you to be bright and clear; you want her to be thinking about you.

But if you just went by this, you would probably come off as far too eager and intense. Being too eager signals that you haven’t got much else going on in your life and would put off most girls.

To balance this, we need the second principle: giving her time and space to develop her feelings for you.

When you give her some time to wait and think about you, she will start looking forward to the next time you message or call her.

Calling her about 2 days after you got her number usually strikes a good balance.

14. The mistake of proclaiming your love or feelings for the girl

I’ve seen this one so many times. And I’ve done it myself, too.

This goes in line with the tip about maintaining suspense. Avoid telling her how you feel about her or that you like her before you KNOW that she has feelings for you.

I’ve seen so many guys crush their chances by telling the girl about their feelings. It just ends up putting pressure on the girl to reciprocate, and if she hasn’t developed equally strong feelings yet, she will want to escape that pressure.

Even if she was a bit interested in you, and you told her you’re VERY interested in her, she will feel pressured to like you back just as much to avoid hurting your feelings.

We tend to obsess over things we’re uncertain we can get. Things we know we can have, we take for granted. So, if you make it perfectly clear to a girl that she can have you, you become less exciting.

Instead of proclaiming your love, take the next step through actions like we talked about before. Ask her out on a date, ask for her number, or go for the kiss.

15. How to approach and start a conversation with a girl you like

Approaching can feel extremely scary to many, it usually feels scarier the less experience we have with it. I have had clients that literally felt like they were going to die if they approached a girl, and after some training, they actually started to enjoy approaching.

So how do we get the courage to approach an attractive woman?

The answer I’ve found works best for most is simple but requires work.

I call it exposure training. The main point of this method is to expose ourselves to what we are afraid of gradually.

So, we start with something that is only a little scary until we feel it’s no longer scary. Then we move up our ladder to something a bit scarier and so on.

An example could be that you start by asking women about the time, then you give women a compliment, and eventually, you go over to asking for a date. This is how you build confidence and courage to approach.

The good thing is that approaching isn’t necessary to have success with girls. thanks to online dating and dating apps like Tinder. You don’t need the courage to approach a woman at random if you don’t want to.

In the comments below, I’d love to see you share one small step you can take this week to get more comfortable talking to girls.

It could be something like talking with a girl at work/or in your class at school, asking someone random about the time, giving a compliment, asking for a date, attending an event, or something else. And you get a bonus star if you get rejected.

The Science of Flirting Every Man Needs to Know

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Flirtation is an art. It is also a deftly employed social tool. It marks an exploratory, transformative stage—in a first meeting or an existing relationship—when interested parties look toward a tantalizingly unknown future. We flirt to establish a connection, and to gauge the interest of others in reciprocating that connection. While not all flirting is done with the aim of establishing a romantic or sexual encounter, it does help us determine the social investment potential for romantic relationships.

However, flirtation is not without challenges. Communicating and determining romantic interest in social-sexual encounters are often masked by uncertainty—which is actually a key component of flirtation. Both the message and the interpretation are intentionally vague: uncertainty serves to protect the interests and reputations of participants, and adds an element of anticipation that makes the act seem more like a game, prolonging the excitement and extending the mystery of the encounter.

Despite this uncertainty, are there universals to flirting strategies? Does a lingering glance mean the same in all social-sexual encounters? So much of flirting is dependent on non-verbal cues: a glance, a touch, a seemingly casual movement—can these actions really be interpreted differently across cultures and contexts?

Flirtation is an art. It is also a deftly employed social tool. It marks an exploratory, transformative stage—in a first meeting or an existing relationship—when interested parties look toward a tantalizingly unknown future. We flirt to establish a connection and to gauge the interest of others in reciprocating that connection. While not all flirting is done with the aim of establishing a romantic or sexual encounter, it does help us determine the social investment potential for romantic relationships.

However, flirtation is not without challenges. Communicating and determining romantic interest in social-sexual encounters are often masked by uncertainty—which is actually a key component of flirtation. Both the message and the interpretation are intentionally vague: uncertainty serves to protect the interests and reputations of participants and adds an element of anticipation that makes the act seem more like a game, prolonging the excitement and extending the mystery of the encounter.

Despite this uncertainty, are there universals to flirting strategies? Does a lingering glance mean the same in all social-sexual encounters? So much of flirting is dependent on non-verbal cues: a glance, a touch, a seemingly casual movement—can these actions really be interpreted differently across cultures and contexts?

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Researchers have identified five distinct styles of communicating romantic interest, arguing that the ways a message is communicated is key to the way that message is interpreted (1). The styles are as follows:

  • Traditional: In this style, women can signal responsiveness, but men initiate contact and next steps, thereby maintaining gender roles. For example, men are expected to make the first verbal move (e.g., men request the date or offer to buy a drink). Men are expected to lead the interaction once engaged, and make requests for future engagements (2). Women who are traditional flirts tend to be less likely to flirt with partners and to be flattered by flirting, and may report having trouble getting men to notice them in social-sexual settings. It is a bit of a cyclic effect: Women who are traditional flirts have a limited role in flirtatious encounters, and often have fewer options for attracting a partner (3). Men who fit this category tend to know their partners for longer periods of time before approaching them romantically. They often proceed slowly, developing non-romantic relationships before acting on desires. Overall, individuals who are traditional flirts are introverted and uncomfortable in social settings.
  • Physical: The physical style hints at sexual contact through verbal messages. This style often involves suggestive banter, and individuals are more comfortable expressing their desire and sexual interest to potential partners. Individuals who fit this style claim to be able to detect the interest of others. They engage in private and personal conversation, which they use to establish the possibility of a relationship. Relationships generated by this style tend to develop at a faster rate, and are characterized by more sexual chemistry and emotional connection than the other styles (4).
  • Sincere: The sincere style is marked by a desire to create an emotional connection with a potential romantic partner. These individuals look to develop intimacy by eliciting self-disclosure and showing personal interest in a partner, however, this style is not an effective means of communicating sexual interest.
  • Sincere communicators view the emotional connection as tantamount to the relationship. They are more likely to approach potential partners, find flirting flattering, and to believe others are flirting with them.
  • Playful: These communicators view flirting as fun and not tied to relationship development. They enjoy the act itself, and will flirt even in the absence of long-term romantic prospects. Flirting is a self-esteem booster for this group.
  • Polite: Individuals who practice the polite style take a rule-governed and cautious approach, exhibiting no overtly sexual behaviors. Individuals characterized by this style are more likely to seek an emotional and sincere connection and less likely to be playful. The challenge of this style is that often the individual’s partner may not think he or she is interested in pursuing a romantic encounter.

These communicator styles provide some insights into how people flirt, but determining meaning, or decoding flirting is a bit more challenging. Flirting is really a context dependent event. Even with these handy communication style charted, researchers are quick to note that humans adopt the strategies that are best suited to their situation and desired level of engagement (5). As a result, the meaning behind flirtatious gestures is personal. For example:

A kiss does not have any primary meaning beyond what the lovers create together, even though an outside observer might ad secondarily to those meanings on the basis of empathy, social knowledge, or memory (6).

Flirtation cannot be defined in any concrete way. Meaning is derived from the sequences in the act—and every response matters. The casually draped arm along the back of the sofa can lie there meaningless until the recipient reclines into that arm. Participants have to continuously indicate interest.

Naturally, these responses may be interpreted differently in social-sexual encounters. Non-verbal cues are most effective when there is a social understanding regarding meaning, however men and women tend to interpret flirtatious behaviors differently. For example, sixty-seven percent of individuals have reported that friendly behavior on their part has been wrongly viewed as a sexual invitation, with women reporting having experienced this misperception more frequently than men (7). It seems that men, more so than women, perceive partners as being more flirtatious, more seductive, and more promiscuous. They impart greater meaning to the act of flirtation. Why?

One possible explanation may be rooted in the evolutionary history of sexual selection. It would be beneficial, and minimally costly, for a man to overestimate a woman’s sexual interest and intent. If he incorrectly deduces that she interested, he doesn’t stand to lose much. However, if he misreads her signs and misses a mating opportunity, he pays a large evolutionary price (8). I find it curious though that women don’t impart as great a meaning to flirting, however. One could argue, in counterpoint to the discussion above, that women might find meaning in flirtatious acts as frequently as men do because it could hint at greater investment from a partner in the long run.

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As with so much involving socialness and relationships, there are no hard and fast rules. Flirtation cannot be defined in a permanent way—its fluidity allows partners to create combinations of variation and uncertainty that are meaningful to the context. And that is really part of the appeal:

If the essence of flirtation is being unsure if she will or she won’t then that uncertainty is itself a promise: “Come, play, and we shall see.” Thus understood, flirtation leans forward into an unknown future, not into a timeless eternity where Ideal Forms repeat themselves in endless identity

If you’re a willing participant in a flirtatious exchange, regardless of where it ultimately leads, the meaning that you can surely take from the exchange is that you’re admired. Happy flirting.

How to Get Better at Talking to People

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One of the insidious things about trying to judge our own social skills is that if an interaction went well for us, then we assume the other person thought it went well too. While you’ve probably never consciously thought about it, if you had a good time talking to someone, you think they felt the same. But this just isn’t the case. It’s very possible for you to walk away from an interaction feeling grand, while the other person walks away feeling annoyed, bored, or burdened.  

What usually happens in these lopsided engagements is that you talked a lot about yourself and your interests, an act which is enjoyable and makes humans happy. We like to talk about ourselves! But, the other person didn’t get to talk much about him or herself, and thus left the conversation without a corresponding level of elevation.  

While dominating a conversation simply by talking a lot is almost guaranteed to be a charm-killer, the worst kind of one-sided interaction is when you talk at someone, rather than with them.

Talking At Vs. Talking With

Valerie White and (former AoM podcast guest) Ann Demarais, doctors of psychology and authors of First Impressions, define the “talking at” dynamic as “forcing others to react rather than interact.” It manifests itself when one party takes on the role of teller/entertainer, and the other is forced into the role of the audience.

While being part of an audience can be enjoyable when that is what one is expecting and desiring (e.g., watching a movie), people do not expect to be an audience member during face-to-face social interactions. Feeling like a spectator in this context is dull and irritating because the role is so passive. A conversation is a cooperative, almost artistic endeavor — much like symphonic music — in which each person gets satisfaction from engaging, contributing, creating. They don’t want to watch and clap.

Demarais and White describe 4 common forms that “talking at” takes, each of which can be flipped in a way that gets you “talking with” your social partner:

Lecturing

When you’re in lecturing mode, you’re imparting facts in a very one-sided way. You want to tell someone something, but you’re not expecting or eliciting a real response. They’re the passive audience for your knowledge dump. Lecturing feels great for the lecturer — you’re amped up on the status you get from feeling in the know, and sharing information you hold as uniquely yours. But your listener is likely to see you as boring and self-important.

How to share knowledge with your social partner. Talk about subjects in which you and your partner are mutually interested, and watch for signs that they’re engaged — “Uh-huh,” nodding, saying things like “That’s interesting.” In the absence of such cues, stop your monologue. And even when they are manifested, pause intermittently to see if the other person wants to respond, or add something, or has a question. If they don’t interject anything, you should probably wrap it up and change the subject.

Additionally, how you introduce subject matters, as Demarais and White explain:

“A hallmark of a lecture is the speaker’s implicit ownership of the information.

When you present something as your own, you may intend to appear smart but actually may appear bombastic and egotistical. On the other hand, when you mention where you learned your information—as in ‘I read an editorial in the paper that said…’—or the genesis of your idea—as in ‘I saw something on TV, and then thought…’—you show an open mind and a more modest assessment of your own intellectual value.”

When you say, “I heard/read X the other day,” people don’t feel like you’ve already fixed your opinion about it, but rather that you’re opening up a dialogue on the subject, making them more likely to offer their own thoughts and engage with you.

Storytelling

The great paradox of stories is that they can be both the most compelling and the most boring form of communication. A good story can entertain, engage, and build a connection. But as Demarais and White observed, stories can easily go wrong when they’re “long, detailed, and about people, your conversational partner doesn’t know.”

How to share stories with your social partner. Bad storytelling is an easy trap to fall into because the characters and plots in our anecdotes seem so interesting and salient to us. We know our friends, and children, and boss — they loom large in our own lives, and we can vividly picture their facial expressions and have all the context to understand why their behavior is so adorable/comical/outrageous. It’s subconsciously difficult to realize that other people, who lack this context, won’t find these people and places equally compelling.

But they don’t. The difference can be likened to the way you’re interested in a story about your favorite NBA player, but have no interest in news about a professional Chinese athlete you’ve never heard of. Unless a story connects to universal aspects of the human experience (training for a race; dealing with an incompetent boss; getting in an accident) or intersects in some way with the other person’s life, it’s going to be Dullsville.

Even if a story does include those elements (touches on shared human experience; connects with the other person’s life), you should still keep it short and to the point. Dole out the story in small chunks, watching to see if the other person shows interest and asks things like, “What did you decide to do?” or “How did he respond to that?” before continuing the tale.

When a story of any kind goes on too long, you turn your social partner into an audience member who passively spectates instead of actively engages.

Sermonizing

Sermonizing occurs when you’re trying to persuade someone to your point of view. The subject matter is usually something around morality, religion, or politics, and while this kind of conversational mode can be okay in the company of long-time friends and family who enjoy spirited debate and verbal jousting, it’s a turn-off for new acquaintances who don’t know you well enough to put your opinions into context and to realize there’s more to you than a zeal for some particular issue. They’re likely to get defensive or disgusted or just plain annoyed.

How to have a weighty discussion with your social partner. You don’t have to rigidly follow the old adage about avoiding talk of politics, religion, and money, even with new people, as long as you follow a few guidelines we’ve offered here, the gist of which is to strive to have a discussion rather than an argument. A wise writer put the distinction this way:

When you’re aiming a sermon at someone, Demarias and White note, “The implicit message is ‘you’re wrong and I’m right.’” When you’re having a discussion with them, in contrast, you seek to understand how they’ve arrived at their convictions, where your positions differ, and the common ground you share.

Telling Jokes

A great sense of humor is one of the most charming of qualities. But too much humor reaches a tipping point where it stops adding to the collective “music” of the conversation and becomes a one-sided performance, turning the speaker into an entertainer and the listener into an audience. Instead of getting to interact, the latter is forced to simply react to the constant stream of quips and witticisms — a role for which they soon grow bored.

How to share humor with your social partner. Jokes serve better as the seasoning of a conversation, rather than its main dish. Instead of interspersing everything you say with a quip, just pepper them in here and there between sustained stretches of neutral talking and showing sincere interest in the other person.

When it comes to being socially adept, Demarias and White note that “how you talk about topics matters more than what you actually talk about. You can make a fascinating ethical issue boring if you simply lecture someone about it. On the other hand, you can turn your model airplane hobby into a stimulating conversational topic if you talk about it in a fun and engaging manner.”

To avoid your conversations turning into one-sided monologues where you simply talk at people, toss out subjects of reciprocal interest and see what people bite on; like volleyball players, hit the ball back and forth over the net. Show that you’re curious, open-minded, and interested in other people’s experiences and perspectives. Interact rather than making the other person solely react to what you say and do; create a little theater/dialogue/symposium/comedy together, rather than having them watch you from the gallery.

7 Mindset Principles of Successful Men

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Success is different for different individuals. Some find their success in the wealth they acquire, some become successful by earning a roof over their heads. For a sportsperson, success might be the championships that they win or the medals that they take home. All in all, every soul has a different meaning for what success is. I have met people who act like the most successful people in the world because they get to stay with their families.

However, find any man who you consider successful, you will find certain traits that are quite evident by how they carry themselves.

We will be talking about 10 key principles of successful men. The goal will be to provide you with an insight into the minds of men who the society considers successful are after all a work of careful conditioning over the years. So, without any further ado. Let’s get started.

Setting up Realistic Goals

It is next to impossible to find a man who doesn’t set proper goals for himself and yet has achieved anything extraordinary in his life. Only a weak man lets situations dictate the outcomes of his life, strong men always dictate their circumstances. Setting achievable goals and executing them is key to success in any area. Goal setting deserves a video of its own or maybe a video, don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter and our YouTube channel where we will publish about it.

Realistic goals not only give you a sense of direction and quantify your success. But, in times of turmoil, when it is easy to lose motivation due to setbacks, your goals will help you recalibrate with your inner self. Goals are one of the most motivating things if taken seriously.

They Take Responsibility for their Life

Humility is one of the most common traits of exceptional men. Men who are successful in their endeavors take 100% responsibility for their actions and never leave things to fate. They realize that the best thing to do is focus on the present and prepare for the future, they are not the kind of people that dwell in the past. Successful people are almost always the kind of people that do not complain in any situation, instead of complaining about how bad things are, you will find them actively working towards improving the situation. For themselves and for others. They are also the kind of people who do not start playing blame games at the smallest of trouble, instead, they take responsibility when they are wrong and focus on the future.

Regardless of what has happened, you decide: what you do know.

They have Great Self Discipline

Practice makes the man perfect” is a common phrase that we throw around. But, what does it really mean? Is the man not perfect? Why does he need to practice in order to be perfect? According to me, this phrase means that even though the man is not perfect, with continuous trial and error, he will eventually become perfect. Now, the fact of the matter is that it is easier said than done, Malcolm Gladwell says that it takes about 10,000 hours at any task for a man to become an absolute expert at it. and it is absolutely true. But how do you spend the 10,000 hours at any task? The answer is simple, “Discipline”.

The roots of discipline are sown when you’re on your own and no one to point fingers at you. It is then when you decide if you want to use your time productively or would rather watch someone build a house in the jungle on YouTube. Self-discipline is the key trait of successful men and if you wish to become anything like your idols, you got to start taking self-discipline very seriously.

They take Self-Development Very Seriously

A successful man is the one that never considers himself the best and always keeps working towards his personal development. It is human nature to want more from life, however, the truly successful people take it one step ahead and make it their duty to keep improving with time. Research and Learning are their forte and they never back down from learning new things. No matter what their age might be, you will always find them in the company of a mentor. Dominate by Learning.

They Read A lot

These days when people don’t have the patience to relax for even a minute without jumping on their phone like an addict. Successful people are more attracted to education rather than entertainment, therefore, reading is one of their favorite pass time. They don’t have to be reading education content all the time but reading something valuable, yes sure. Saying that they have higher standards of entertainment wouldn’t be wrong.

They Follow a Routine and Make Task Lists

Time management is important for self-development and self-growth. You would rarely find a successful person concerned about too much work on their hand, it is what unsuccessful and lazy people do. Their constant practice of educating the mind makes them especially strong at setting their priorities straight. You will find them making plans in advance, even for months and years at a time.

They often start their days by making a task list for the day and often plan for the week in advance.

They are Risk Takers

“YOU MISS 100% OF THE CHANCES YOU DON’T TAKE”

-some great man

You don’t take big risks you cannot achieve big rewards. Successful people know that there will be times they will need to take risks in order to get where they need to go. Very often most people would not take risks for fear of failure. However, greater failure to successful people would be that of regret risk going for the life you want or guarantee to live with the one you do not want.

Big rewards require big risks, and risks are absolutely worth it when they are well-calculated efforts that require some balls. Risk is mandatory to achieve anything worth achieving, whether that be risking your time, money or efforts. You got to keep taking risks. When most people would avoid taking risks for the fear of failure, the extra-ordinary man will go the extra mile and take the risk that no one would. Therefore, reaping the rewards that no one else would.

5 Reasons Why Some People Fail To Achieve Their Goals

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If you are just getting started at something new, maybe a side hustle along with your job. Or maybe you just started working on a new startup idea, whatever it is that you set out to achieve in the world, you need to set proper goals and make sure you have action plans that will help you achieve those goals. So, you have the motivation, you have made your goals crystal clear, what could go wrong now? Well, the journey has just started. Reading this article can save you months if not years of failure, so read thoroughly.

There are plenty of things that will go wrong along the way, and most of them will not be in your control. However, there are about as many things that are absolutely in your control that will keep you from achieving your goals. So, what are those things that are keeping you from achieving your goals or will keep you from achieving your goals?

The Inability to Take Risks

Whether they are your travel goals, your career goals or even your education goals. The need to take risks is present in all the endeavors of life. But how do you take risks and not completely destroy your chances of ever achieving anything in life? There is the tricky part. You need to know what are the risks worth taking and calculate your odds of overcoming those risks. You got to understand the consequences of taking that risk and weigh the pros and cons to make sure the pros outweigh the cons.

How to overcome the fear of taking risks?

The simple answer to this question would be to simply start taking risks. Starting small till you develop the muscle for taking risks. Once you’ve built enough self-confidence, you will find yourself able to look at situations in an entirely different light.

Another way to overcome the fear of taking risks when you’re just getting started is to read and read a lot. You got to read a lot of books, you got to read a lot of blogs, and listen to podcasts. Now, you don’t need to. consume just any content, the content you consume should be related to your industry and something that contributes to your growth.

Procrastination

Just as the common phrase goes, – “Kaal kare so aaj kar, aaj kare so ab”. It literally means that you need to do tomorrow’s job today and today’s job right away. It is a good saying and if implemented in your life, you can actually achieve everything that you you set out to achieve in your life.

Tim Urban gave an amazing talk on Procrastination and the video has been embedded below. It talks about procrastination in an entirely fresh light. I highly recommend that you play the video below after going through this article.

Lack of Innovation

Remember the time when Nokia’s CEO cried on camera in front of the whole world and the only thing that was taken away from that talk was how he ended the talk; “We didn’t do anything wrong, but somehow, we lost”.

But the world knows. Nokia failed to innovate fast enough. Back in the year 2000, Nokia’s market cap maxed at a quarter of a trillion dollars. Over the coming years, Apple introduced the iPhone, Samsung started offering the touchscreen range of their phones but Nokia kind of just floated around. Sooner than later, we heard the news of Nokia’s demise as we knew it.

Lack of motivation.

In most cases, losing your motivation to continue with your goals is the “only” way to fail. You may still have lots of resources and other reasons to continue but once your drive to accomplish something is gone, that will be the start of your failure to achieve what you put your heart and enthusiasm into.

If you had failed many times in the past, all you have to do is to keep getting up and moving forward. There’s no other way to achieve your goal than to pull yourself together and face head-on whatever challenge it brings.

10 Podcasts Men Should Checkout

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Self-help podcasts are proliferating nearly as fast as bad tweets, for an obvious reason: everyone has room for improvement (except Keanu Reeves, who is already perfect), and everyone listens to podcasts because they’re useful and intellectual, like a New Yorker tote bag in audio form. Self-help thrives in podcast form because, let’s face it, this is the only technological medium where nuance and open, honest dialogue are valued, rather than gleefully dismembered by hordes of avatars wearing wraparounds. The best self-help podcasts are lively and unexpected; full of hard-fought wisdom and warts-and-all stories from smart, successful people who you wish could be your friend, or at least leave you a testimonial on LinkedIn. So we pulled together nine such podcasts—all loosely in the self-help world, some leaning toward thought-provoking, others toward outright self-reflection—and dropped them below in no particular order.

Hidden Brain

Download on Apple Podcasts

On NPR’s Hidden Brain, Shankar Vedantam reports out a number of fascinating questions: Who created God (and why)? Where did the phrase “be a man” come from, and what can it tell us about masculinity? How can we best cope with chaos? As it turns out, there’s plenty to glean about how our brains dictate our behavior and beliefs.

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How I built this with Guy RazNPR

How I Built This with Guy Raz

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On How I Built This, NPR’s Guy Raz interviews the “innovators, entrepreneurs, and idealists” who’ve constructed the world’s biggest and fastest-growing brands. If you have an “Eat the Rich” bumper sticker and you’re fond of retweeting Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, you’ll probably flinch at hearing obscenely wealthy start-up founders explain how they became obscenely wealthy. Otherwise, this podcast is high-octane motivation fuel for anyone with an I could do that streak and a hunger for hard to find been-there advice delivered via rich storytelling.

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The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish

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Shane Parrish runs a popular blog called Farnam Street, where he blends a deep library of literature with his own thoughts, all in search of mental models that can help you make better decisions. His podcast is a natural extension of the blog, and it features NFL coaches, maestros, ultra-rich people, and professors. Subject matters can be abstract, but you’ll never leave a Parrish pod without a new idea to chew on.

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Think Again

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Jason Gots is big on discussions with deep thinkers who are usually more philosophical than driven by self improvement, but what is philosophy if not the study of how to live well? The most appealing part of this show is its format: the first half hour hones in on a topic of particular interest to the guest (everyone from Salman Rushdie to Mary Louise-Parker), and the second half is a response to two producer-picked archival clips, ranging from sex to socialism.

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The Tim Ferriss Show

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Life guru and best-selling author Tim Ferriss goes long on his podcast, and yet somehow it still feels like appointment listening. He gets extremely high-profile guests to deliver personal stories and bite-size wisdom you can put to immediate use in your own life. (If you’re looking for an episode to start with, look no further than Jamie Foxx, recommends GQ’s Clay Skipper.)

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What It Takes

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What It Takes has dubbed itself a podcast about passion, vision, and perseverance—but it’s really an excuse to listen to A-listers like Oprah and Jeff Bezos as they dig deep into their personal histories from before they “made it.” Many of the stories on the podcast are a reminder that little-known lucky moments and a relentless work ethic tend to be the annoying prerequisites to making it big.

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Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

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Hosted by therapist and author Esther Perel, who recently spoke to GQ about what men get wrong when it comes to sexWhere Should We Begin is literal couples therapy in podcast form. The episodes are fascinating fly-on-the-wall sessions, but also, “You learn a ton about yourself and your relationships from listening to other people go through their own difficulties,” says GQ editor Benjy Hansen-Bundy.

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You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

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Comedian was early to the comedians-with-a-podcast game—You Made It Weird originated all the way back in 2011. Plenty of Holmes’s guests are fellow comedians, but not all, as you can tell from Bill Nye and Aaron Rodgers. The conversations are wide-ranging, fuzzy in the best way, and, often, surprisingly deep. Plus, Pete Holmes has a top-tier laugh that’s powerful enough to lift your mood during a morning commute.

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Airplane Mode

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Is this a shameless plug for GQ’s newly launched podcast? Yes, yes it is. But we run this site, so we’re going to stump for Airplane Mode and host Clay Skipper, a man whose curiosity and relentless self-reflection have set him on a quest to interview the most thoughtful people we know—business geniuses, writers, comedians, influencers (but the good kind), and beyond—in order to steal their secrets to creativity, success, surviving tech, and staying sane. As Skipper explained in his announcement post about GQ’s newest podcast, Airplane Mode is “the switch you flip when you want to step away from the noise and regain your sense of purpose.”


WHO ARE YOU? The Ultimate Guide to Finding Your Purpose in Life

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When I look at my boys, I am both excited and terrified, for them. I am excited because their life’s journey has just started. At this stage of their young lives, they have no limitations, no worries, and they are highly motivated to invent their world.

My youngest voraciously attacks each day; he climbs, he falls, he cries, only to do it all over again. My oldest has a fearless imagination and is predisposed to telling wild stories; of sea monsters living in the midnight zone.

And failure for them is not the end of the story, it sets in motion a series of questions, learning moments and even goals.

When I look at my boys, I am both excited and terrified, for them. I am excited because their life’s journey has just started. At this stage of their young lives, they have no limitations, no worries, and they are highly motivated to invent their world.

My youngest voraciously attacks each day; he climbs, he falls, he cries, only to do it all over again. My oldest has a fearless imagination and is predisposed to telling wild stories; of sea monsters living in the midnight zone.

And failure for them is not the end of the story, it sets in motion a series of questions, learning moments and even goals.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo.”
– Steve Jobs

Yes, you are unremarkably average

I am terrified because their journey must yield to the reality that they must become members of society. An ordered community that has little tolerance for the round pegs in the square holes and covets conformity above all else.

As my boys comply, they will gradually lose the voracity to forge their path and eventually graduate to what Chris Guillebeau, author of The $100 Startup, defines as — the unremarkable average.

Guillebeau illustrates that the unremarkable average lives by a set of rules, commandments if you will:

  1. Accept what people tell you at face value
  2. Don’t question authority
  3. Go to college because you’re supposed to, not because you want to learn something
  4. Go overseas once or twice in your life, to somewhere safe like England
  5. Don’t try to learn another language, everyone else will eventually learn English
  6. Think about starting your own business, but never do it.
  7. Think about writing a book, but never do it
  8. Get the largest mortgage you qualify for and spend 30 years paying for it
  9. Sit at a desk 40 hours a week for an average of 10 hours of productive work
  10. Don’t stand out or draw attention to yourself
  11. Jump through hoops. Check off boxes.

Does this life sound strangely familiar to you? Don’t be afraid to say, “Yes.” This set of rules is what conformity looks like, and no one will ever challenge you to be different.

Why regret will lead you to live on purpose

Richard Leider, the author of the Life Reimagined, found that most people regretted living an average life. They wished they had gotten more from their lives; to live on purpose.

Leider interviewed hundreds of people over the age of 65 and asked them one question, “If you could live your life over again what would you do differently?” And three themes kept repeating:

  1. I would be more reflective; I would stop to enjoy the moments of my life.
  2. I would be more courageous; I would not be fearful of not conforming.
  3. I would understand my purpose; because my life needs to matter.

If this small sample of people regretted living an average life, for the sake of argument, I would say that everyone has the same regret. So the real question is why are you living your life the way other people expect you too?

Tony Robbins explains that “The difference with anyone that has followed through is that we are more afraid of what life would be like if we don’t follow through – than the person that is willing to settle with what they have and hoping that it will change.”

So fear if allowed can retard your choices. Now knowing this, how do you leverage fear and start taking small steps to live on purpose?

Committing to new skills will lead you to success

You commit to the skills that will give you the most freedom. And how do you know what skills you need? You need to ask yourself these two questions:

  1. What do I really want out of my life?
  2. What will I give back to my community for supporting me?

Now you turn your dream into a project and like any project, you begin by creating three lists:

  1. A list of everything a project needs to be considered a good project
  2. A list of all the skills you don’t have that are important to the project’s success
  3. A list of everything you are afraid of and out of your control

At the beginning of most new projects, you will lack mastery of key skills that are critical for the success of the project. Understanding this issue is critical and will condition you to focus on those necessary skills.

You could focus on mastering all the skills at once. But experience has taught me that dividing your limited energy is counterproductive. Instead, first, focus on that one skill that will create the most freedom for you.

Once you have identified the skill to master, you must not only create a set of habits, but you must also have a provocative ”why” is the skill important. This strategy will place you in the proper mindset to keep you growing the new skill until it’s mastered.

Once you have mastered the necessary skills and you have achieved your goal — it becomes a game for you. Why – because progress is happiness. Therefore, you start asking yourself — “what is next” or “what else can I do to create more freedom and happiness in my life?”

You then revisit these two questions:

  1. What do I really want out of my life?
  2. What will I give back to my community for supporting me?

…and the game starts all over again.

The Iron Cowboy Story

A story that recently caught my attention is about James “Iron Cowboy” Lawrence. In 2014 Lawrence set a new world record by achieving a personal goal of the 50, 50, 50 — that’s 50 iron distance triathlon races in 50 consecutive days in 50 states.

If you are unfamiliar with what an iron distance triathlon is, here is the breakdown:

  • A 2.4-mile swim
  • An 112-mile bike ride
  • A 26.2 marathon run

The interesting thing is that Lawrence is a regular guy, married with five kids. So what separates him from you — his why.

James ran a 4-mile fun race one Thanksgiving and during that race everything hurt — lungs, heart, legs, etc. At the end of that race Lawrence decided his life had to change. Why, because James was not going to allow that moment to define his life.

“It’s not a matter of how to get to the other side of that mountain. It’s which way am I going to do it — am I going to go over it, am I going to go around it, am I going to go through it? But ultimately at the end of the day I am going to make it to the other side of that mountain. Come hell or high water.”
– James Lawrence

James never thought that completing the 50, 50, 50 was not going to be worth it. He was on a mission, not only to prove to himself that it could be done. But teach his children that when you set a goal there needs to be 100% conviction that you will achieve that goal. And if you lack that conviction then there is no point in setting the goal, in the first place.

Lawrence’s mission had a welcomed side effect, James began to inspire others to do something outside of themselves. The hardest moments for James was not listening to the people that told him “you can’t do it.” It was shocking to him that it was the overwhelming majority of the people that told him – “You will fail. This is impossible.”

So he needed to turn down the volume on all the negativity and to focus on the things that are positive, uplifting and the things that drove him forward — to the finish line.

One of those positive moments for Lawrence was his 27th race. James helped a little boy named Dayton compete in his first triathlon. This race was particularly important to Lawrence because Dayton has cerebral palsy.

Conclusion

We spend a lot of our lives being average and focusing on the wrong thing. What if you took that same energy and focused on becoming a better version of you? What if you focused on helping others achieve their dreams?

Your goals may never get national attention like James “Iron Cowboy” Lawrence, but what if they help put a smile on the face of a boy like Dayton. Wouldn’t that be more amazing than living an unremarkably average life?